Sorting through life

Tomorrow, I embark on the first major step of our house-hunting process....and I am scared. Why, you ask? I am scared for a number of reasons, namely embarking on such a huge financial decision when we aren't even positive that we are going to end up in our choice area. I hate that I'm doing this without Blake. Instead, he will have to rely on the pictures I take tomorrow. But what happens if I find some beautiful cabinets, take a picture, and then realize later that the picture does them no justice? I worry that Blake has put all of his eggs into one basket, and that this one basket will provide us with no chicks. I wonder if enjoying yesterday's "Lazy Saturday" could have been better spent, or more pro actively spent searching or researching more real estate options?

I'm scared about the current state of the real estate market. Even though I know that our state has seen an increase in real estate transactions, I fear that we will not be able to sell our current home, and therefore be forced to bridge mortgages or fore go buying a house all together; at least for the time being. I'm scared that I won't find a home that I love as much as my current place. Sure, it's small, but it's cozy, comfortable, and perfect because for a short while, it was mine.....our own home.

I wonder many things: Will our family and friends judge us based on the purchase price of our home? The answer, of course, is yes they will. Will Blake actually have a job, instead of us talking about the possibility that he has been approached with? That, I don't know, though I wish, oh how I wish, we had an answer to that question! This process would be much less stressful and scary if we knew what we were working with. Will we even be approved for the mortgage amount we want? Again, I have no clue since we haven't looked into it a lot...again, because we have absolutely no idea about Blake's situation! Will we find a house that we like in the limited market we are searching in? It seems like anything we may like is either in a flood plain (NO), or way too expensive. When do we realistically put our home on the market? We were thinking originally November, but thought it may take more time to sell, so now we are thinking September. If our house sells too early, what will we do? Do I simply move away and leave Blake to stay with some friends and thus continue on the house hunting journey without him? What happens if we find no house at all? Will my parents just let us live with them for an unknown amount of time? Or worse, what happens if we hear from our mortgagor that we can't afford a house at all? Or at least, not one that is any more than our quaint 1,012 sq. ft. of living space! I fear that I will fall in love with a house that Blake won't like. But, if he had perhaps been there, he could have pointed out any flaws he may have seen before I fell blindly in love.

And yet, with all the fear, worry, and anxiety, there are small pangs of excitement. I am very much ready for us to move onto a different chapter of our lives. One where we are both finished completely with school, and the financial responsibilities can be shared, and a family of our own (yes, the little children running around) can become a reality. On the other hand, I really want to go back to school myself, which may put some of our plans back on hold. How beautifully stressful life can be. Only, I wish it wouldn't stress me out sometimes....despite its beauty.

something beautiful from my mom's garden